I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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