Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize