I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
