You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
