I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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