1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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