we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
