i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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