I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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