So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Randomize
