I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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