it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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