He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
