i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
