I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
