im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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