I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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