I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
