What did we do last night that was yellow?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?