Define "chronic" masturbator.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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