I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
