so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
