She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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