last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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