I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
