Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
