There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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