The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
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It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
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See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
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