saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
