dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I want a musical about memes.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
