mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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