FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
high people should be assigned attendants
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
