You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
nutella sex= disaster
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
