someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
