Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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