so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She swung at the pinata with crutches
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
