i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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