STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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