Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I intend to get homeless drunk
Even my vagina gasped.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
