i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
