I think my vagina is haunted
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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