Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
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He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
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Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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