I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
