Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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