I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
How naked do you want me to be?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
