I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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