She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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