I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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