This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
