At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
