ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
