the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
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i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
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I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....