guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
