you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
