Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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