did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
