im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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